Fellow runner: “Can you believe the year is already over?”
Me- “Yeah, thank goodness”
Fellow runner: "That bad huh?"
It was a bit harsh, I’ll admit.
But personally, 2018 was a year full of some deep and personal pains.
It included variations of depression, cancelling a wedding, ending a relationship, working through trauma counseling, losing friends, who I know now, were never actually my friends, leaving a job that once defined me, letting go of a stable income, and moving to a new state, embarking on the unknown ….
In summary, the year was filled with months. . . days, hours and moments of breakdowns, crying, low self-esteem, anger, regret, fear, shame. etc. etc. Just all the negativity possible.
Running, for many people, is a great way to escape from life's issues and turmoils, find new strength, or gain new perspective.
So considering the personal battles I faced in 2018, my mind told me "GO FOR A RUN."
In years past, running was a great way to clear my head.
If I was angry, I would let the negative thoughts in my head pound through my feet, onto the pavement, and leave them behind as I ran forward.
In years past, running was a great way to find clarity.
If I couldn't solve a problem, stepping away from the issue and making time for myself, often led me in exactly the direction or straight to the answer that I needed.
In years past, running was a great way to find my inner strength.
Working hard to achieve a goal, pushing my body to its limits, or feeling the strength of clicking time off the clock all gave me self-confidence that trickled into every arena of my life.
But in 2018.... it didn't work.
My mind said -- "Go for a run"
A voice said back -- "I don't want to."
So then my mind said -- "Set goals to get motivated...sign up for a race."
But with slow times and powerless legs, I felt even worse about myself.
So then my mind said -- "TRAIN HARDER!"
But my body struggled to even get myself out of bed...
After a few months of a yo-yo relationship with running (which was actually in 2017), I let it go.
I stopped running.
I stopped thinking about races.
I didn't set any future running goals.
By the way, I'm not sure that I've truly done this since I started running, probably around 14 years old. Even when I was injured, I took time off running, but my mind and actions were still focused on rehab in order to eventually "get back to running." So the difference in 2018 is, I just stopped everything....completely.