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Running into 2019 with a smile

Fellow runner: “Can you believe the year is already over?”

Me- “Yeah, thank goodness”

Fellow runner: "That bad huh?"


It was a bit harsh, I’ll admit.


But personally, 2018 was a year full of some deep and personal pains.


It included variations of depression, cancelling a wedding, ending a relationship, working through trauma counseling, losing friends, who I know now, were never actually my friends, leaving a job that once defined me, letting go of a stable income, and moving to a new state, embarking on the unknown ….


In summary, the year was filled with months. . . days, hours and moments of breakdowns, crying, low self-esteem, anger, regret, fear, shame. etc. etc. Just all the negativity possible.


Running, for many people, is a great way to escape from life's issues and turmoils, find new strength, or gain new perspective.


So considering the personal battles I faced in 2018, my mind told me "GO FOR A RUN."


In years past, running was a great way to clear my head.

If I was angry, I would let the negative thoughts in my head pound through my feet, onto the pavement, and leave them behind as I ran forward.


In years past, running was a great way to find clarity.

If I couldn't solve a problem, stepping away from the issue and making time for myself, often led me in exactly the direction or straight to the answer that I needed.


In years past, running was a great way to find my inner strength.

Working hard to achieve a goal, pushing my body to its limits, or feeling the strength of clicking time off the clock all gave me self-confidence that trickled into every arena of my life.


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But in 2018.... it didn't work.

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.

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My mind said -- "Go for a run"

A voice said back -- "I don't want to."


So then my mind said -- "Set goals to get motivated...sign up for a race."

But with slow times and powerless legs, I felt even worse about myself.


So then my mind said -- "TRAIN HARDER!"

But my body struggled to even get myself out of bed...


After a few months of a yo-yo relationship with running (which was actually in 2017), I let it go.


I stopped running.


I stopped thinking about races.

I didn't set any future running goals.


By the way, I'm not sure that I've truly done this since I started running, probably around 14 years old. Even when I was injured, I took time off running, but my mind and actions were still focused on rehab in order to eventually "get back to running." So the difference in 2018 is, I just stopped everything....completely.